Physical Progress!

As you are no doubt aware from my prior postings, or perhaps by "overhearing" my conversations in my completely private cubicle, I have slavishly devoted myself to improving my physical condition. I have been spending countless hours in the gym under the strict tutelage of a strangely terrifying professional trainer. She says her name is "Amber," but at the end of one of my workouts I'm certain I heard her referred to as Sajida Heiralla Tuffah, a woman known to have been smuggled out of Iraq in the early days of the war to testify about the atrocities she participated in under Saddam's regime.

In fairness to Ms. Tuffah, I'm still seeking confirmation of her identity, so don't take that as gospel. You see, I heard the name during a post-workout period of intoxication, either from the natural endorphins released from the exercise or the handful of Valium I took in case the endorphins took too long. Either way, she is quite skilled in the art of pain, so you can understand my confusion.

Actually, whoever she really is, she confirmed today that I am, in fact, making a little progress. To me, the end of every workout feels like "G*DDA**SH**F*CK I'M PARALYZED!!!" but she is actually paying attention to what's going on and she says I'm improving some. I think I'll start tipping her with real bills from now on. Well, depending on who she really is.

Just out of curiosity, is there any good reason not to eat 2 lbs of fresh cherries in one sitting? Just asking.